Fear
by SpitFire45
Summary: Hawke becomes pregnant and tries to hide it from the rest of the team and when everybody finds out will there ever be peace?...maybe not! enjoy this story of humor and romance between Hawke and Anders surprises wait along the way!
1. The Midnight Meeting

Fear

PROLOGUE

I can't tell for certain if today is the best or the worst day of my life. My name is Crystalin Hawke and I was once no-one and now I am the Champion of Kirkwall. It took me a long and hard journey to get where I am today. And the love of my life, Anders, has a special part in my story. He is the reason I'm not quite sure. The tale starts yesterday when the sun began to go down.

THE MIDNIGHT MEETING

it's been three years since our return from the Deep Roads. I hadn't seen any of my friends, and I planned to see them all today. My last stop was to see Anders in his clinic.

I had always had feelings for Anders, but I never had the strength to tell him how I felt. I walked through the doors and he looked up from a man he just finished healing.

"Oh I'm sorry you look busy I should come back later-" I felt rude for intruding.

"No wait, I'm glad that you came" and he smiled at me.

I felt myself blush and now I felt like a complete idiot I wanted to start banging my head against a wall and tell the entire world how stupid I was. "Uh... you are?"

He looked at me strangely "Are you ok?"

I hesitated I thought I might as well and try to tell him how I felt. "I want to tell you something in private."

He seemed surprised "Oh...Okay, sure."

We walked to the side of the clinic and I just let go. "Anders I have something that I want to say, over the time I've known you I have grown feelings that I thought I could never have for another person and I wanted to tell you that the person is you." I quickly shut my eyes waiting for the worst but I got a very different reaction than what I was waiting for.

"Hawke, I never thought you felt that way because I feel the same way."

I looked up at him and saw that he spoke truthfully. I rushed to him and our lips met and our tongues tangled. His rough stubble scratched my face but I didn't care: it was the best minute of my life.

We finally pulled away from each other he sighed "I'll just break your heart."

I looked at him "You won't."

He looked into my eyes "If your door is open tonight I will come to you and if not I know you head my warning" and he walked silently back inside his clinic.


	2. Love Can Not be Contained

LOVE CAN NOT BE CONTAINED

Nightfall came, I opened my door then I looked out the window the bright rays of the moon gleamed like silver and down on the road I saw nothing but darkness. I stared long and hard into the fireplace.

"He's not coming," I mumbled, but then I heard the front door slam shut someone began to walk up the stairs and there at my bedroom door was Anders looking more gorgeous than ever. "You're here!"

Anders walked up to me "Justice doesn't approve of my obsession with you."

Maker, he always made things so sweet.

"Yet I don't know if every day I should care for you or fear of hurting you"

I thought I could spice that up a bit. "Go on, hurt me. I might like it."

He snickered we kissed and undressed, it was easy because since we were both mages; we wore robes, I led him to the bed and our tongues tangled once again.

Our love was slow and romantic, then finally, when it was over, we got up and redressed.

"I love you, I've been holding back from saying that but now I'm sure" he kissed me once again

"You could stay here", I replied, without thought.

He looked at me, surprised. "You would have me here living with you? You would tell the whole world the night-commander that you love an apostate?"

I looked at him, forgetting all that he said "I will have you with me till the day we die."

He smiled and then he left. I was sad to see him go, but I was never prepared for what came next. 


	3. The Unexpected Surprise

THE UNEXPECTED SURPRISE

The next day I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling hugging one of my pillows then all of a sudden my stomach had a huge burst of pain.

"Ahhhhhggh" I rolled onto the floor tears rolling down my face the pain was well painful. It finally ended and I stood up "what the hell was that?"

Then I thought to myself I didn't want to worry anyone so I kept it a secret for the next few weeks.

Then one day we were out in the wounded coast when Isabella said

"Hey Hawke you're getting a little pudgy you should stop eating so much!"

FANTASTIC! Anders and Sebastian were on the team and they heard her I wanted to strangle her then I thought to just drop it.

When I got home I stared at myself in the mirror it was true I had gained weight but when I thought deeper about it I said "oh CRAP! Holy shit holy shit!" I had finally realized what the pain and the weight was about but it couldn't be true no it couldn't be.

No I couldn't tell any one so I locked myself in my room for the next few weeks then, "Hawke you have been locked in there for a long time you need to come out" maker Aveline why can't you just leave me alone.

And without expecting it she kicked the door down "Now Hawke I-" and that's when she saw the large growth in my stomach her jaw dropped "HOLY SHIT HAWKE! What happened to you!"

I felt ashamed and embarrassed "I-I-I'm pregnant please Aveline don't tell anyone else!"

She looked at me and frowned "you can't keep this a secret forever, do you even know who the father is!"

Tears started rolling down my cheeks "yes but I would think it was impossible but it's the best chance I have." 


	4. Responsiblity

RESPONSIBILITY

Aveline kept her promise and told no one but everyone got suspicious of my disappearance and started asking questions.

Once again I lay on my bed stroking my belly wondering to myself then finally I stood when I heard Anders walked threw the door

(Just to recap Anders lives on the estate with Hawke but she has still hid in the room all this time which was very difficult to do)

I thought to myself _what do I do I can't keep this a secret from Anders he is the father anyway so he has a right to know, but what if he disapproves and leaves me then what would I do with the babe I can't just leave it anywhere_

I argued with myself for a while then I made up my mind

"I have to tell him no matter what better for him to know than not at all."

I walked down the stair case and I saw Anders in the study he sat in a chair with his forehead laying on the desk. I walked behind him and he jumped

"Anders please don't turn around but I want to talk to you"

He seemed surprised but then said "sigh alright but this better be important I've got things to do Hawke."

I worried myself but I spoke my mind "Anders this IS important but I can't say it myself but I can show you"

He interrupted "Hawke what is this about!"

And he spun around and saw my belly he was astonished actually blown away, literally he fell back on the desk it was kind of funny but now was no time to laugh so I took it as seriously as I could.

I could not hold back my tears so they waterfall down my cheeks and I hugged him but I knew he wanted to back away but I squeezed him tighter

"I decided to tell you but I couldn't say so I had to show!" he was still shocked he still looked at my belly with his mouth wide open but managed to say "y-y-your pregnant Hawke? No one knew why you weren't showing up for a while but this was unthought-of of why didn't you say anything?"

I looked at him then to the floor "I did, to Aveline but that was by accident and I was ashamed to tell anyone else. You and Aveline are the only people who know please Anders don't tell anyone."

He looked at me sadly "do you know who the father is?" I looked at him in disbelief and I slapped him across the face "YOUR THE FATHER DUMB-ASS!"

He looked at me surprised but I was not sure from the slap to the face or that he was the father maybe a bit of both. He then yelled back at me "WHAT IN ANDRASTE'S FLAMING ASS WAS THAT FOR!" he gritted his teeth

I finally realized what I had done "oh my gosh I'm so sorry I didn't realize-" he looked at me and smiled "you shouldn't be the one apologizing you do some weird things in your situation."

I growled and he changed what he said "I mean it's my entire fault I shouldn't have said anything ok."

When he stopped I changed tone "what do you think?" he looked at me and rubbed his whiskers "about what?" oh Anders and I did a face palm

"Ohhh, you mean the baby I don't know surprised, confused, even speechless." disregarding the remark "not well anything about you being the father?"

He cocked his head "yes I am you pregnant with my baby what's not to feel?" he had a point then startled me when he began to speak again "do you know anything else? About the baby I mean."

No I didn't know any thing else but I had one more question "will you leave me? Because of the babe?" he mooned "absolutely not I love you Hawke" he felt my belly and then kissed me. 


	5. Can You Trust a Friend

CAN YOU TRUST A FRIEND

The next few months were quiet until everyone else got the truth out of Aveline. I heard a knock at the door Anders couldn't get it because he was at the clinic so, like any unknowing person would do I opened the door and boy did I make the wrong move.

The person at the door was Merrill and she was the one I didn't want here most not only was she a blood mage but she was very clumsy and I fear for her safety as much as the baby's.

"Hello Hawke! Awww look it's soo cute!" her not looking surprised scared me and I asked "who told you?"

She looked at me with her emerald green eyes and smiled "Aveline silly, Isabella got her drunk enough where she said anything! Everyone knows about it now."

My jaw dropped to the floor I thought _ HOLY CRAP! Everyone knows, what will they say, how did they react, how will I show my face in Kirkwall ever again! _

While I wandered in my mind Merrill stood there waving her hand in front of my face "hello Hawke, anyone home?"

I shook my head and came back to reality "what? Umm Merrill did you come here for a reason?"

she picked at her red nail polish lost in thought "you know I can't remember well I guess I should leave then, bye Hawke see ya, oh that's right I talked Sebastian and Isabella into frolicking with me you could come with us if you like!" and she walked out the door and closed it behind her.

I did need to get out of the house, but like this, I felt embarrassed still I need to do something so I decided to go anyway. And like the idiot I am I didn't think it through and once Isabella and Sebastian saw me they looked more surprised than Anders was.

Well I got a different reaction from Isabella she started laughing her ass of and Sebastian fainted MAKER he was weak!

He had been with the Chantry since his parents sent him there to clean up his act. Damn did it make him a girl I feel sorry for him he's now so naive I wonder what it would be like having met him as his original playboy self and not this sissy crap.

Isabella got up from rolling on the ground and started kicking Sebastian until he bruised oh Isabella you could be so cruel "DAMN IT CHANTRY BOY GET UP!"

Finally Sebastian started gaining consciousness "OW, WHAT IN ANDRASTE'S NAME WAS THAT FOR!"

She laughed hysterically "you get a small bruise and you start crying like a baby-"

She stopped and smiled at me "he he sorry" and I knew she meant it because she could see the fire in my eyes.

Sebastian was still dumbfounded, why are guys like that, instead of frolicking like Merrill suggested we just walked up Sundermount while Merrill tried to avoid where the Dalish were staying and it was silent for the rest of the walk. 


	6. What to Expect When Your Expecting

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOURE EXPECTING

I sighed in relief when I got back to the estate. I was startled to hear Anders call to me "where were you I was worried!" he must have come back from the clinic early

"Hon what are you doing home so early?" I heard a chair scoot noisily and Anders looked around a corner "well you have a baby so I need to make sure your ok."

I was surprised "don't the people at the clinic need you?" he stared at me silently "well things have settled down so help isn't needed as much, now I have more time to spend with you and the baby"

I was amazed that he was acting so fatherly but I liked it if this was anyone else's baby I wouldn't be so lucky.

Sebastian was in the Chantry so long he's lost his connection and complains so not a good father and Fenris is a brooding self absorbed ass plus he is a man-eating beast (Fenris lovers do not hate me! Even though it's true) and barks for no reason (I say "bark" as in yell not bark as in dog bark) so DEFIANTLY NOT!

The others are not an option for other reasons and I won't start on them anyway I smiled at him "when did you become Mr. Fatherly figure hmmm?"

He looked at me wide eyed and embarrassed "I um I uh just be careful ok I don't want anything bad happening to you" now that's the guy I know.

The next major thing that happened was when I had the baby Anders was the person who did these kinds of things but he almost passed out twice typical!

Finally the baby was delivered and then Anders passed out and face palm he had probably delivered multiple times but just because it was me he couldn't take the pressure.

The baby was male and had blond hair like Anders but the eyes were devastatingly blue like mine, it had seemed so surreal me having a baby Anders passed out on the floor the baby in my arms that looked like a combination of us it was like a dream.

Anders had begun gaining consciousness and got up using the bed as support and then flopped on it he stared at the babe and I stared as well but I cried with joy I was startled when he took my hand "he reminds me of you"

I laughed "are you joking he looks most like you" he wiped a tear from my cheek "maybe it's his eyes or it might be hmmm yes that he's just devilishly handsome like me"

Oh Anders "lets just hope our son doesn't inherit your bad decisions or worse your manners" he rolled his eyes "you have bad qualities too"

I chortled "HA! Name one" he looked worried "um well there's..."

I shook my head "you can't think of one can you" he lowered his head "no...No I can't" he brought his head back up "have you thought of a name yet?"

In fact I hadn't "no do you have any ideas?" he looked at me "no I can't think any" then I thought of one once used but I didn't mind "we can name him Anders like you"

He looked at me straight away "you would name him after me!" I raised an eyebrow at him "what do you have a problem with it?"

He looked at me as if he shouldn't had said anything "no it's just you would name him after me even though I'm an apostate?"

I was amazed at how fast Anders could forget something so simple as that he forgot I was an apostate as well but I dropped it "yes your a good man Anders of course I would name him after you"

Then him saying that I suddenly realized that we were both mages and that our son would be a mage as well and how we would have more weight on our shoulders hiding his power from the templars

"Anders you understand we will have to hide our son from the templars" he turned to me and sighed "I know but lets not worry about that now and lets get to it when it becomes a problem"

He lacked to see the light but I liked his strategy because I wanted to spend time with little Anders.


	7. Is It All a Lie

IS IT ALL A LIE

~ Character switch: Anders ~

_This __is __exactly __why __I __refused __for __you __to __be __with __her __you __have __ruined __our __plans! __Now __we __can __no __longer __help __the __mages! __You __should __have __listened __to __me __when __I __warned __you __about __her! __I __told __you __something __bad __would __happen __now __look __where __that__'__s __GOTTEN __YOU!_

"NO! Get out of my head Justice I don't need your advice look at where that's gotten us you're the reason I'm never happy you're the reason I can never be the same EVER AGAIN!" I argued with Justice I wouldn't leave Hawke for Justice's cause he was no longer my friend he was only using me to live.

_YOU __MUST __LEAVE __HER __NOW! __You __were __doing __fine __until __that __one __day __six __years __ago! __She__'__s __a __l__ie __all __you__'__re __so __called__ "__friends__" __are __a __lie __I__'__m __your __only __friend. __You __were __the __whole __reason, __the __cause, __for __me __to __stay __alive __and __I __have __helped __you __but, __I __CANT __FINISH __IT __IF __SHES __IN __THE __WAY!_

"You are not my friend Justice you were a mistake that I can no longer fix, you never helped me you used me and I WILL NEVER LEAVE HAWKE BECAUSE OF YOU! Nothings a lie Justice she loves me and I have friends, real friends unlike you. You only need me to survive if you could you would leave me and do your own work but it's not like that you need me as your support and I will never be that Justice." Discussion over

I no longer wanted to talk to Justice he was full of lies and I wont let him come between Hawke and I or anyone else even Merrill, Sebastian, and Fenris they are the entire reason I'm happy everyone makes me happy and I wont let Justice or Vengeance or whatever he's become blind me from that.

Hawke has always been there for me and I might as well return the favor by not listening to Justice we have a child now things will be different things will change everyone will change and I nor Justice nor Hawke can change that we will have to live off what the change brings us.

Hawke was still asleep from waking up every hour of the night to care for the child she was so beautiful even if she was sleeping, now I wonder to myself having all of her family gone how did she feel. the rest of the team and I were the only family to her besides her brother who had pretty much replaced me in the Wardens and I think back when I was first recruited into the Wardens.

~ Nine years ago ~

"You could become a warden ya know you have the potential to be one." She spoke in her violent yet reasonable voice it sort of scared me how she could be so violent yet subtle and calm.

"You would have me as a Grey Warden even though I'm an apostate is that even possible?" I still could remember how I was before Justice I was nothing like the person I was now and I hoped that I would never become that again

I was charming, a-bit of a womanizer, and couldn't be trusted but Primrose the warden commander still thought of me as a good decision if things wouldn't had changed I would still probably be with her every step of the way.

~Today~

I knew that Prim was Hawke's cousin I still never knew how they could be family and look nothing alike they kinda had the same personality though their both scary and violent in fact I was scared of both of them I cringed thinking of the beatings I got from both of them when I did something wrong OUCH! I loved Prim once but that's ancient history and it didn't matter anymore.

_She __was __a __problem __too __and __you __know __it, __that__'__s __why __you __left __her!_

"SHUT UP, leave me alone"

I don't know why Justice was getting involved he didn't know what I felt then. He was the chapter of my life after her.

I had to do something for the sake of Hawke I couldn't live my life with her because Justice was in the way.


	8. Understanding Mistakes

UNDERSTANDING MISTAKES

~ Character switch: Hawke ~

**This ****part ****of ****the ****story ****gets ****serious ****so ****sorry ****if ****you ****were ****looking ****for ****more ****funny ****content.**

I listened to Anders fight with Justice it went on for half an hour. I was getting worried for him it was only a matter of time he cracked, and I wouldn't have him anymore and only be left with the baby to care for. He was my life I couldn't bare to see him go through so much stress and pain, I lie in bed listening and quickly shut my eyes and fake sleeping when he enters the room.

Tears rolled down my face he was right I wouldn't live a normal life anymore but I don't regret making my choice. I no longer heard argument I sat up in the bed and looked towards my dog, Ryder, "take care of little Anders until I come back." I rose from where I sat and walked to the balcony to see him pacing around the room.

"Are you ok?" he looked up and smiled "aren't you supposed to be in bed" I shrugged "I heard you and Justice" he changed tone "oh, you heard that?" I joked "Anders all of Thedas could hear that" he laughed "don't worry about it I'm fine" I worried "Anders you know if something was bothering you, you could tell me right?" he looked at me reassuringly "yes I know dear, go back to bed" I lay down and whispered "dear Maker watch over Anders for me" and I single tear dripped from my eye and I fell asleep.

I woke in the Fade where a desire demon stood before me "greetings my dear" I grimaced "I don't deal with demons" I snapped at her "don't speak before you know what you're going to say" I had become confused by her "I'm not the desire demon you see before you this is a disguise" I looked at the demon and asked sternly "I have never heard of demons wearing disguises" she smirked "surly you haven't dear I'm no demon I'm a spirit of regret here to help you fix your past mistakes you have many as I can see you have held them in for so long that its beginning to eat you alive. Come with me and you could have the life you always dreamed of where you would no longer have any regretting mistakes." I wasn't a fool "how do I know you aren't a demon and even if you aren't how do I know you're telling the truth?"

She looked at me with surprise "you are no fool as I can see, I shall show you I am no demon" soon a blinding light shined and no longer was there a demon but a tall beautiful woman with a blind fold around her eyes and in a long white robe "I am one of the spirits close to the Maker now that I have proved to you that I am no demon will you accept?" I laughed "still how do I know you're telling the truth?" she smiled "when I became the spirit I took an oath that bound me from telling lies if I had told you a lie I would have died when I spoke this proves that I tell no lie will you accept?" I hesitated "alright I accept" she smiled "fantastic take my hand"

Suddenly the air turned warm no longer were we in the Fade we were at my old home I saw myself as a girl my father was approaching Bethany, Carver, and myself "Crystalin I want to talk to you" I walked a few steps toward him "yes daddy?" he smiled "you're a mage and I want you to come with me to help you train your powers" then everything paused then the spirit spoke "here was your first mistake by leaving with your father soon after Bethany followed and the both of you left Carver alone and not one of you thought about his feelings you must perfect this mistake" I walked up to my young self and whispered in her ear "don't leave Carver or Bethany" then everything played "sorry daddy, I wont leave Carver or Bethany" he smiled soothingly "don't worry they could come with us" my young self nodded and all three of us followed him

Time skipped and we were at the bed where my father lay on the brink of death "this is the only other mistake that changed your life forever" I turned to her quickly "this is it! That can't be true!" she kept looking towards the scene "this is the change that will mold the life you always wanted, while everything is still heal him." It couldn't be true she was up to something, yet I did as I was told and my father was healed and everyone was happy. The spirit smirked "good bye miss Hawke" and a hysterical laugh followed by the fade to black.

"Crystalin! Crystalin wake up!" a voice called to me. My eyes opened to see my father "FATHER! You're alive!" I cried with tears of joy. "What's wrong?" I had forgotten about the spirit "nothing, nothing sorry" he smiled sweetly "come on we need to go to town to get supplies." And he walked out of the room, but I felt strange like something had changed yet I didn't know what. I dressed quickly and walked out, my family wandered about the house suddenly it struck me.

I left my old life behind. The friends I had come to know were all gone. I lost my old life and got the one I always wanted. "Father take me to Kirkwall" my mother was surprised by my request "why in the Maker's name do you want to go there?" I got serious "I think I mad a mistake that changed my life forever!"

**This ****was ****actually ****going ****to ****be ****another ****chapter ****about ****Anders ****but ****this ****demon ****idea ****came ****to ****mind ****so ****I ****decided ****to ****use ****it ****the ****idea ****seemed ****interesting ****to ****me ****and ****thought ****it ****would ****give ****the ****story ****a ****surprising ****twist ****hope ****you ****enjoy!**


	9. Making Right Choices

MAKING RIGHT CHOICES

The city I once knew was now cold and dark more cold and dark than usual anyway. The ship stopped in the Gallows I now stand at where I started "Crystalin be careful this is-"I finished his sentence "where they keep the mages, I know" he was astounded "how did you know that?" I stopped "you rather not know" I had no time for answering questions I was on a mission and a serious one. A crowd blocked the entrance to the city. A man was yelling an announcement "dear people of Kirkwall, we have found the wretched apostate, ANDERS!" I stopped in my tracks and swung around, there stand chained was Anders. Father looked at me with worried eyes "Crysalin do you know that man?" tears rolled down my face and I bursted through the crowd to the stage "leave him ALONE!" the man on stage snapped his fingers and two soldiers restrained me.

I was surprised to see that one of the soldiers was Aveline but I knew better she wouldn't believe me, so I threw them off myself, and my father rushed to me "Crystalin lets go we don't want to make a scene" Anders' head shot up "Crystalin, Crystalin Hawke ?... I remember!" the man on stage hit him ferociously "SHUT UP YOU, and I'll make sure you will… forever!" a dagger flew into Anders' back. Blood dripped onto my face and I melted "ANDERS NOOOOOOOOO!" the man chortled with success this made me lose it I rushed to the man the sharp part of my staff at his throat waning to sink through torture like. "YOU BASTARD WHY DO YOU DESERVE TO LIVE!" he didn't that's what so I stuck it though his stomach till it went half ways and pulled it out as quickly as possible.

I darted away and took shelter in an alley I slumped down on the floor and ripped at my hair and wept furiously tears covered my face like a veil. Then a voice too familiar interrupted my mourning "hello dear" the woman stood above me "YOU SON OF A BITCH YOU RUSED ME AND RUINED MY LIFE!" she laughed "dear I tricked no one remember I don't tell lies I simply gave you the life you wanted" I gritted my teeth "maybe I don't want this life anymore and that means you're lying" I grinned "NO that's not possible you backstabbing woman!" she disappeared with a flash and once again everything went black. "RRRRRRRAAAAAGGGGHHH!" I sat up in the bed "what is it dear!" I turned quickly to Anders "oh, it was just a dream" I gave a long sigh of relief everyone was safe for now.

Ruse: synonym for tricked


End file.
